youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
