Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
