My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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