a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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