why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Randomize
