So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
