Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
