Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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