i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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