last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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