u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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