Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
