Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
