Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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