apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
MIDGETS
????
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
