You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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