i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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