Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
