You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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