So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
