Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
