The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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