you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
