I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
