Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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