Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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