You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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