Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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