i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
