PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
