Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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