Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
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There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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