I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
