I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
