I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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