my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
