Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
