walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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