Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
