so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this beer tastes like vomit already
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
