I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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