I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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