I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
