I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
