A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
