Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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