I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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