I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
