On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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