just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
