She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
