There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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