last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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