I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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