ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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