She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
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Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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