She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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