And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
