Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
